My Dear son,

 You must have known that your reply would devastate me. You are crushed? What do you think your Father feels like? The past is all I have along with memory. Love stays constant and so does memory. Sadly so does the pain.  And I remember it all. I am doomed to remember it forever. But there is more than pain dear son. I cut your umbilical cord and I gave you life. For 13 years I was your Father. I gave you everything. I protected and taught you and provided you with all I could and everything I had.  I would have died to protect you. I would die to protect you now. Yet tonight when you addressed your father you did not even address me as Dad. That hurt the most

I have grieved for so long and I have missed you yet now you base your judgement of me on some spurious "guilt trip" based on my rejection of the lies and deceit that took you from me in the first place. No you don't know what happened and you will never be told-not by those with whom you live or those who share the guilt of having taken you out of my life in the first place. I have been writing to you for years and have never received a reply. Not once. I did not even know if you had received anything I sent. Tonight you are irritated by a fathers love for his son, Someday you will realize that it was nothing in the larger scheme of things.

To be told the truth of why your Father is not in your life would not make you happy. So you will probably never know. However, long after I am gone I will make the documents available for you and your sisters to read so you can determine for yourself which side I stood on and what I did and did not do for you. Someone will make sure you get them. They will tell you that I stood on the side of truth and justice and squarely on the side of my children. All of them. I would not compromise the lives of my children and the dignity of that life by accepting the dishonesty of family law and the crime that saw you lose your father at the stroke of the pen of strangers you and I did not know.  I could not live like that and I was not brought up that way. But I did not surrender to tyranny. Nor would I be a visitor in the lives of my children. I told you the story of the bully and I told you what you had to do when confronted by that bully. It was what my Dad told me. I never let him down and the bully never won with me. There was a time when I would have explained that to you again and you would have understood and agreed completely. I hope you never forget.

Yes I refused to accept all of that and many other things which you will one day come to understand was one of the worst tragedies in Canadian history. You are a victim of it too. An innocent child stolen from your Father by pure evil disguised as law. You and your sisters are some of many but to me you are the prime victims. We childless Dads all feel that way about our own. You might be having an awful amount of fun right now in your life which you call "balance" but there will come a time in this short life when 'balance' of life is replaced by a desire for knowledge and truth and a desire to know the past which you now disdain. To me balance is having two parents. You have only been allowed to have one.

Sadly life does not have a fast rewind for any of us son. I found this out in my own life when I wanted to understand and find the truth behind my own father-the granddad you don't remember. When I did find him I discovered he was just like me. In a relationship with his son not unlike the one I wanted to have with you.  It was pure and unfettered and unencumbered by the awful things that have led you to abandon me. There were years I did not want to know him either. They were strange days. Then came the days of regret and I wanted to say so many things to him and ask him even more. Quite simply I just wanted to tell him I loved him and always had and that I had listened when he thought I hadn't. That I had smiled and was proud when he thought I wasn't watching. That I wanted to hug him but was afraid to embarrass him. There was so much to say. But he was gone before I knew it and he was gone when time was what I had and when I eventually found the strength and the chance to do it.

In time I will be gone too. As you will be gone for your sons. Such is the brevity of life. it doesn't cater for mistakes and time squandered unfortunately and we don't get many second chances. You will find that all out yourself. I have worked so hard and so long for just this contact. Not a day went by over these last years when I have not tried to be your Father and be a positive force in your life. In time you will be truly angered by what people have done to me in order that I remain out of your life, Your very sense of justice will be offended. Your loss will be understood then as I know it now.

I can do nothing else but live in the past. It brings me to tears. At night I wake in nightmares which have you calling me on the radio at the War Museum. And I dream of serving you another 10 pancakes on a Sunday morning and I feel your arms around me in a tent at Sharbot Lake-nervous but reassured I was there. I watched you sleep in comfort and security. We hiked together and stood at the top of a hill we conquered together. I was so proud. In my dreams I hear you clattering around behind me with your little hammer and nails hammering two pieces of wood together and proclaiming "I ficksed it Dad" I ficksed it!"  I see you in my dreams riding your bike between two poles and feeling so proud of your achievement and knowing I had seen you and was proud too. I see you look for me after scoring your first hockey goal. I remember your bravery at the dentist. I read you stories and told you about snakes and sharks in Africa. Then I tucked you in and kissed you goodnight. And you slept and dreamed as I did as a little boy too. As maybe yours will one day.

Sometimes at night as I lie here I hear your cries at the hospital when they took you from your Mom and I to fix your eardrums. You thought for a brief few moment we had left you but of course we hadn't. We were always there. Just like I am always here now. I remember you shovelling snow with me-just to show me you could do it. I remember your first day of school. You did not know that when I drove away I stopped round the corner and cried my eyes out. You talk of things that are of abandonment yet I never missed a hockey game and I saw you every single day until I was taken from you. You speak of me being out of your life and I remember chasing you around the house and carrying you on my back. Yes I remember it all. I have love and memories of love. And pain. And happiness. You have "guilt trips".

Yes I remember simple things with so much meaning Andrew. I dream them. They will haunt me now and the memories will always hurt me. One day you will understand how much. My Dad never found the opportunity to write things like this to me. It took the last vestiges of courage for me to do this now. There is so much to say but you don't want to know. I did everything I did for you and your sisters. For love. As your Dad. Nothing more and nothing less.You might want to forget me and leave me out of your life but I will never forget you. I love you my son. I always will. Deep down I know you know I do. Deep down I know you realize I never abandoned you. You know I would never do that. I fought for you too hard and for too long

Love,

your Dad