Children from broken homes can grow up with trust issues, which affect their ability to commit, says Seema Sinha

 TIMES NEWS NETWORK 

    WHEN a couple breaks up, the repercussions can be felt years later, in their children’s lives. Commitment-phobia can be a common problem, as cricketer Yuvraj Singh, who comes from a broken home, candidly confessed recently. Often termed a casanova, but otherwise well-grounded, actor Shahid Kapoor also seems to be running away from the C-word. For 30-plus Kareena Kapoor too, a career seems to offer more stability than the marriage option.

    They’re not alone. In her early 40s, actor Tabu is not showing any signs of commitment. Scottish actor Gerard Butler, linked to Jennifer Anniston sometime ago, is afraid of settling down. Reportedly, Gerard’s issues with women stem from an absentee father. Mahesh Bhatt’s son Rahul shudders at the thought of his children going through the anguish he did when his father walked out on his mother.

According to experts, insecurities that stem from unstable attachments early in life can cause fears that last a lifetime. Seeing a relationship fail, especially of parents you have faith in, impacts children. Explains psychologist Anjali Chhabria, “We grow up believing our parents’ relationship to be the perfect one but when they split, it shakes our foundation. We begin doubting our own judgment. There is always this huge fear of rejection. People from broken homes keep looking for that ideal companion, but there is none. They get close to people but start looking for flaws and withdraw the minute they notice even a small crack in the relationship.” Bahaish Kapoor’s love life mirrors this pattern. The 23-year-old filmmaker’s parents separated when he was very young. “I try to stay tuned with my partner, but I feel the slightest altercation can lead to a long-term p r o b l e m . As soon as mu t u a l contempt or aggression begins to fester within the relationship, I lose interest because I need a clean slate. This is in reaction to my childhood.”

    The offspring of divorced parents, 38-year-old software engineer Rahi, has had many strong long-term relationships, but she refuses to settle down. Bahaish says he ends up pursuing relationships for a sense of security. He says, “Growing up, I saw both my parents living by themselves. The loneliness was palpable. I grew up thinking that being a l o n e equals being sad. So I e n d e d up pursuing relationships only for the sense of validation they gave me.” Gerard was once quoted saying, “I am full of fear, full of p h o b i a s about comm i t m e n t , but I love my i n d e p e n d - ence.” Psychiatrist Harish Shetty d e c i - p h e r s , “‘I love my independence’ is a common refrain by the commitment phobic guys that actually reads, ‘I don’t know what it is to be a family’.” Children coming from fractured marriages can have extreme reactions, with some eager to marry early in life. Her marriage may not have worked out, but actor Rekha, who comes from a broken family, reportedly took a plunge into matrimony with actor Vinod Mehra when she was in her early 20s. She made several failed attempts at marriage later. Daughter of the free-spirited and unconventional Protima Bedi, a young Pooja too gave preference to marriage

over career. Says Rahul Bhatt,

who has had a few relationships in the past, “I am looking forward to getting married and sitting around a dining table, having a meal together, like any normal, happy family. I am taking my time in finding the right girl. I’m afraid of taking the decision, but have no fear as such. I’m willing to commit and wouldn’t want my children to suffer and go through the anguish of a broken home; it messes up everything. I will definitely be a much better father than a husband.” “ C h i l - dren from b r o ke n f amilies often say that they don’t have c o m m i t - ment issues, but subconsciously they do,” points out Dr Rukshuda Syeda, a psychiatrist. They have issues with trust. “Such people neither trust themselves nor their partners and the best way to improve trust is to seek healing for childhood stories,” adds Dr Shetty. However, according to the experts, one need not despair as it’s not a given that one would inherit a bad marriage. “You have to tell yourself that you are different from your parents. If you can enjoy success in a career, there is no reason why you cannot enjoy success in a marriage as well,” say relationship experts. As Masaba Gupta, daughter of Neena Gupta, who was in a shortlived relationship with Vivian Richards, aptly puts it, “Your parents’ history has nothing to do with your love life.” It’s time to tread your own path!