Children And Divorce: Parental Alienation Syndrome – What Fathers Can Do

 Madhubanti (name changed) harbored bitter feelings against her estranged husband and continuously came up with ways to punish him. The method which seemed to work best for her was alienating her son from her husband. She misused her power as a lawyer to file a criminal case against her NRI husband, prohibiting him from entering India, where she lived with her son after the separation.

The son developed serious psychological problems because of his frustration of not being able to interact with his father. He was aggressive with his mother, suicidal and failing in school. He preferred spending time on the Internet instead of hanging out with friends.

The Internet was, after all, the only means for him to stay in touch with his dad. He had hacked his mother’s email account to find his father’s contacts and started mailing and voice chatting with him. When his mother found out about this, she barred her son from using the Internet.

The son’s only emotional connection to his father was a football autographed by maverick footballer, Ronaldinho. He tried to excel as a football player, hoping it would please his father, only fracturing his wrist in the process. He persuaded his teachers to allow him to use the computer to type his homework because of ‘limited mobility’ resulting from his fracture.

That was obviously a ploy to re-establish email communication with his dad, and he was even successful in arranging a real-life meeting with him in the process. Father and son are now regularly in touch, and there is even a possibility of the whole family getting back together.

Rajiv Dabhadkar’s separation from his daughter is, however, yet to end on a happy note. Rajiv – who is divorced – says, “I haven’t been able to meet my daughter for three years now. My wife’s family has brainwashed my daughter to dislike me. The positive memories she had of me are fast fading. The last time I met her, I wanted to gift a box of chocolates to her, but she was too afraid to accept it as it would incur the wrath of her maternal grandmother.”

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a term coined by Richard A. Gardner  in the early 1980s to refer to what he describes as a disorder in which a child, on an ongoing basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors, including indoctrination by the other parent (almost exclusively as part of a child custody dispute) and the child’s own attempts to denigrate the target parent.

Rajiv realized that he was a victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). He explains, “PAS is the phenomenon of one parent turning the child against the other parent. It is commonly witnessed in child custody matters during divorce or separation issues.”

With child custody laws heavily skewed in favor of women in India, fathers can completely be cut out of their children’s lives, even if the mother is mentally or emotionally incapable of caring for the child. Very few fathers have gone against the system and won.

How the child is turned against a parent

The parent who has the child’s custody may embed falsehoods about the estranged parent, such as – “Your mom/dad doesn’t really love you, is dangerous and has done bad things to you.” The motive behind this unfair slander is to make the child reject the estranged spouse.

Other parental alienation methods

• Deliberately arranging early pick ups or late drop offs during the time with the rejected parent
• Discarding his or her gifts or letters for the child
• Forbidding any positive discussion about the rejected parent
• Creating feelings of hostility for the rejected parent by unduly and wholly blaming them for the divorce
• The parent with custodial rights may further manipulate the child against the rejected parent by asking him to spy and keep secrets from him or her.

Rajiv says, “The alienating parent blames the other parent for negative changes in lifestyle, any current hardships and/or his/her negative emotional state and inability to function as before, and conveys this to the children. As the financial needs continue to grow, it further becomes impossible for the alienated parent to keep the alienating parent satisfied.”

How PAS Harms The Child

Rajiv Dabhadkar explains, “Both a male and female figure are necessary for the healthy upbringing of a child. If they are forcibly alienated from either, there is a yin and yang imbalance in the spiritual growth of the child. This may give rise to psychological problems and adversely affect the child’s future relationships.”

Do’s And Don’ts For The Alienated Parent

The alienated parent may seem to be caught in a helpless situation. Waiting for the situation to improve or trying to negotiate with or appease the custodial parent may not work. Rather –

• The alienated parent should maintain clear emotional and physical boundaries with the custodial parent and stop feeling intimidated by her
• He should work on his parenting skills and continue to be a good parent
• He should reassure his child that he loves him or her, and try to create positive memories with the child.

Father’s Rights Organizations:

Father’s rights activist, Rajiv Dabhadkar, has a support group to help PAS sufferers like him.
Contact: Mobile: (0)9987803843
Email: rajiv.dabhadkar@gmail.com

© Pallavi Bhattacharya

Pallavi Bhattacharya is a journalist with hundreds of articles published in reputed magazines like Outlook, Rave, Readers’ Digest, India Today Plus, Hindustan Times and The Statesman etc. Pallavi relishes the freedom of expression through her journalistic pursuits, which in turn are means of self-discovery and understanding life. She is currently the correspondent of the Complete Television magazine.

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